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Dear Lillian,
My name is Richard Thompson and I have SS sickle cell. I can talk to you if you want to call me at 502-418-1270 or email me a jcricardo14@... I am married but it took God to find a woman who is willing enough to deal with my illness. My wife is deaf and most people with disabilities can understand each other. I have friends/some family members now who have gotten some sickness/illness now apologizing to me for their rude comments. I try not to too much burden my wife with my illness unless it is an emergency.
Sometimes some handicapped people can used loved-one as personal slaves. So I try not to do that to my wife and she realized that she can not use her deafness to get away with some things. Whenever I dated a woman, I would ask God to make me sick. I wanted to see her reactions during my illness. If it was too much for her, then she couldn't handle it. Or if she did handle it then that gave me some sign that she can deal with it.
I have found out that it is ok for a woman to be weak with an illness but not a man. It is very hard for a man because other men view sickness as a weakness. I explained to my Aunt a few years ago that is was hard to meet women because of my illness. If you can not play sports and defend yourself in fights, then you are considered a weak man. Most women want a man who is independent (works), and strong physically.
If I had a daughter, I would want her to date and marry a man who worked and stand on his feet spiritual, physical and financially. I am not saying date any guy who doesnt want to try to work or be independant.
Many times family says that I try. Most people would love to have an illness and be on SSI for their entire life. I am on SSI because it is a necessity. I also have a part time job tutoring kids with math and reading problems.
I have a friend named Lisa who is like a sister to me. We have been friends since 1990. She at one time told me that what African American woman who would want a man to have an illness and be weak. Many of my family members would say that I am lazy because I was working as a customer service rep for an insurance company.
I am not really working a hard job and I still live at home with my parents. I try and try to explain but no one would understand.
Now in a nutshell they do understand. My Aunt who thought I was weak and lazy. My parents went out of town on vacation. I got sick and called her to take me to the hospital. My leg was hurting so bad that I had to use crutches. She never saw me sick before. When she picked me up and dropped me off at the hospital, she was neverous and was in shock. After that event, she had more respect for me.
My friend Lisa now has congenital heart failure and now regrets and apologies for her statements. Her ex-husband thinks she is weak because of her illness.
My father and I didnt really get along until I got marred at 37. Growing up he always view me as weak and just using this illness as a crutch. He would prefer my brother over me. One time a friend came over and visit and I introduced my father to my friend Lisa. He just shook his head and didnt say anything. Five minutes later, my brother came in the house and he said How is my son doing? This is the type of environment that I had to grow up. When I got sick at 24 and my mother insisted we go to Nashville Tennessee to a sickle Cell Clinic, my father had seen all my mannerism and it opened my eyes that I do have a true illness. My parents and I live together in one house. He saw my good and bad side of me. Yet, it took that trip to open his eyes. From my past experience with male friendships, sickness and other things like that are view as weak. Anything that you can not comprehend, it is better to avoid and not focus on it.
Yet, I also have to forgive him. Things are better after I got married. On Christmas day 2004, my wife and I went over to my parents house to exchange presents. My father made a comment that he thought that I would come over and visit every Sunday like most children do. I asked him why he expected that from me. He stated that most children come and visited their parents. I explained that when I was growing up that he made life hard for me. He never wanted me to attend any family vacations; I lived with my parents until I was 37. I explained that he made life hard for me. He didnt accept me as man. He would put me down and he didnt want to associate with me. He treated my brother better then me.
Yet, I am a Christian man who interprets for the deaf, I have a college degree and I try to work a job and yet, I am not a (MAN) because I am living at home. I explained to him over and over again that I do not have the extra money to move out. I have showed him my budget and after I paid off my bills, I have $400 to live on. At that point of my life, I was working at a full time. I am now on disability.
All of that meant nothing to him because I was living at home. I asked him Why in the world? Would I want to come and visit him after this type of treatment?"
He apologized for making life hard for me. In reality, that was the best Christmas gift present I have ever received. He thought by doing those things would encouragement me to be more independent. In other words, he wanted to encourage me to be independent. He didnt realize his actions caused more harm then good. Now he tries to help me more. Which is good, but I still have hard feeling about this. Anyone with a handicapped child should try to help and encourage them and not avoiding them. I have given this hatred and anger to God. It will take time, but things are much better between us. I told him and some retired men who want to reconnect with their sons that it will take time.
Sorry my letters are long, but you wanted a male point of view of SCA. I tell anyone this. If I didnt have God in my life and my mothers love and acceptance. God is always first. I would have committed suicide by now, However, I waited on God and he has given me family and love. I didnt get married until I was 37, but it was worth it because my wife understand me at times more then I understand myself. I also have to wait on her to be the wife I want, but I am also working on being the husband God wants me to be.